Monday, December 30, 2019

Limping into the new year

It is that time of year when many are gearing up to make resolutions, and lists, and plan to become different or better versions of themselves.  It's what we do.  I've done it some years, other years I have created the list on my new year, my birthday, and other years I've just limped along into the new year knowing that I was not well-positioned to make major changes.  This is one of those years … I've got no extra energy.

Those who know me, know how much I love cats and how much I worship my two, Camille and Winnie.  Camille, my little old lady at 15.5, has been fighting the good fight against kidney disease for a while, and recently went into kidney failure.  Her downhill seemed really fast to me.  I work with her vets to ensure she's comfortable and do what I can for her, which includes a couple of meds, special food, and twice weekly SQ fluid injections (which is not as easy as it looks). 

Camille rescued me back in June of 2006 and has rescued me every day since.  It is breaking my heart bit by bit to watch her go from the fighting machine she was to this frail little panther.  I am ready to ensure she does not suffer and will know when that time is here, but that time is not now.

Because I've had so much energy invested in her, I haven't had as much to spread around.  There are no holiday decorations up this year (save for the white lights around the mantle, but I leave those up all year).  I have not sent cards.  I purchased every gift on line and didn't enter a store if I didn't have to.  For some reason known only to her, Camille can't seem to sleep much.  So I'm up with her pretty much every two hours every night.  Most often she just wants to snuggle, which I do.  Sometimes she wants a snack.  Whatever she needs, I'm awake with her, but I am also absurdly exhausted.

I also hurt my IT band in November, which makes moving in certain ways painful or impossible and it has kept me from the gym.  :(

As I'm reading all the helpful new year-new you lists, I see some nice ideas but am not really recording them.  Until I looked closely at some yesterday and realized they aren't about "new" but about "you" and self care (here).  Many thanks to my friend Shirley for posting it.

Maybe resolutions really do need to be about self care and not a complete makeover.  I'm not going to wake up a different person on Wednesday, but I can be sure to get some time in each day for me - it's not selfish - it is necessary.  Caring for the caregiver should be as important as taking care of everyone else.

While I can't do much at the gym, I can walk on the treadmill, so that works.  While I can't force or help Camille to sleep, I can make sure to fit in short naps if possible, or at least set aside a little quiet time to recharge.  While I can't slow down her disease, I can make sure I let her know every chance I get how loved she is, which will help me come to terms with this.

If you think you have to go big or go home, or that you aren't important enough - I say to you - step back and resolve to give yourself what you need.  It's enough.  You are enough.  And you are worth the effort. 

Happy New Year friends
xoxo




5 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. We all need to focus on “you” not “new” my friend.. I started that process when I retired and it has made all the difference in my life..
    Here is to 2020 and “you” xo

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  3. Camille is special, and so are you, and all of these moments are precious. In the meantime, I’m sending you love, light, and virtual hugs. If you need me, as I’ve recently gone through something similar, you can hit me up on msgr. @}->->——-

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  4. I am sorry you are going through a tough time. Letting go of a family member is very hard, human or not, although, your cats seem human to me. Take care of yourself and love her every minute you can. She feels the love and wants to spend this time with you too. Happy New Year, my friend. Love You!

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  5. Beautifully said! Camille is lucky to have you as her furmama! Wishing you much love, peace and happiness in 2020. You deserve it

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